It’s been a pretty good day so far. I looked in the mirror this morning and grinned, seems those crunches really do work..or are starting to anyway..(crap) that means I have to keep doing them…(bangs head on desk)

Daily chuckle is posted..it’s a little..um..er..adult this time..I couldn’t help it..it was just too funny not to post..(grin)

I have to read the 2 final chapters in my American Women textbook, read up on Jane Addams in prep for my Final project, begin my Excel project and post to the discussion boards. I am surprisingly happy for a woman about to drown aren’t I? (smile)

Bekki

I mentioned that the La Crosse Library is awesome right? Well, they have this display of quilts going right now and I asked permission to snap photos of them all..check these out people..I am sure Shay is going to drool when she sees these!

I need to do my things overheard page..problem is this tiny, itty-bitty thing called homework! Final projects are coming due soon and I need to do my weeks homework and work on my final projects at the same time. Reading, reading, reading, (sigh) and when I am done with that? Excel project is due next Tues. (AHHHHHH!!)

Did I mention I start work on Monday? Get home at 6 Pm, then have class at 7 Pm, take a shower, do my chores and oh yeah..eat! I then get to do my homework until I drop to sleep with my book on my chest..(My life is going to get very, very interesting soon)

Upside? I will actually be making enough money to buy myself clothes and pay my bills..(IRS may just be happy with $100 a month..I hope) and I can get DSL which means I can go to class in my own bedroom!! (I have a desk and everything!) Winter will be much nicer if I have no icicles in my underpants (grin) I also have to start an Isabelle fund so she can come see me Christmas (I will be spoiling her rotten and admit it freely!) Her dad says he will bring her down and stay at a local hotel since I may not be able to take off work (He really is an ok guy my ex–mostly) I also need to start saving for getting an apartment next year, it’s not the apartment I am saving for so much as the fact that I need actual furniture to put in said apartment. (Grin) Shay agreed to help me find bargains..so long as (in her words) “You don’t pick out anything ugly!” As if she would ever let “that” happen. (smirk)

I am planning on getting a bike path permit, (since I am allowed to walk on it free..but must pay to ride a bike..I dunno..I don’t make the rules) It’s not that expensive and I am thinking it would be a lovely weekend thing to pack a lunch, a book, blanket and and see how far down the 13 miles of bike path I can get before time and impending darkness makes me go back whence I came. I will definitely be taking Ye Olde camera along.

I have actual visions of what I want to do with my apartment. Mine, Mine, Mine. I fell in love with a comforter on Overstock.com (damn you overstock goodness) I hope it is still there when I get my first paycheck. I will be saving all my purchases for the apartment plan in my sisters sewing room. This is as Shay terms it “The good stuff” of my new life plans. The part where I learn what I like to put on my bed, what I want to wear, what I want to cook, what I want period! (Huge smile) I am learning who I am..but I am also going to be learning what I like to do, see, be. Isn’t this fun! I plan to try all kinds of neato things. Though there are some things I refuse to do, but I am hoping I learn to be more adventurous. I have a feeling I will have lots of momentos of all my attempts..(grin) all over my new place. I promise to take lots of photos and/or blog all about it. You think my blog is chock full now..just you wait until I have actual plans!! I plan to do, be, see everything I can! Did I mention I live in the State of many festivals? I swear they celebrate the opening of a door here, and I love it!

First things first…make a list.

Things I need to buy with my very 1st paycheck.

1. Pay Bills (rent, food, ect)
2. Isabelle fund
3. IRS
4. Buy clothes for work…business wear.
5. Buy Yummy comforter.
6. Buy ingredients to make something from recipe book attempt #1.(100 Things I Want To Do Before I Die)
7. Get Poetry Portfolio Printed Out at Kinkos.
8. Send Izzy a care package..(wheee)
9. Buy Pen Pal paper and stamps..begin writing Peeps campaign.
10. Save Money to my Furniture Fund.
11. Save Money to my Emergency-It-Snuck-Up-And-Bit-Me-On-The-Ass fund.
12. Get Bike Path License.

Things to do after I receive my 1st paycheck.

1. Ride on the bike path and see how far I can get.
2. Take Photos of Horses finally.
3. Record cooking attempt #1..and share success or failure with peeps.
4. Complete my classes and pray for A’s in both. (That will make 4 classes completed!)
5. Wait for cross-stitch junk in the mail..begin charity sewing project.

I want to create another page in my blog and need you to comment and tell me which one of these ideas has a chance of actually not sucking!

#1

What I ate…

Shay does such wonderful meals I am thinking of taking photos of the best ones and posting them here for you to develop lustful thoughts over.

#2

Recipes…

I seem to get a lot of searches for my recipes on here and I thought this might be a good place to put 3 new recipes each week. I may even ask my peeps for their favorites.

#3

The Daily chuckle page… where I will post daily a new hilarious pic, comic or otherwise gut-busting item for your delightful viewing..

#4

Quotable Quotes..

I like quotes and a quote page just might be the ticket.

Ok, so now you have seen the choices..what’s it gonna be?

Ok, so I updated my Hello pic! I think it looks ok. I wanted to say “Hello, this is me” and not “I am so bbeeaauutiful look at me, look at me!” cause that would just be wrong on so many levels.

I also added more photos on the sidebar..I took off “My favorite art” and posted some “Things I like” pics. I was fun.

I am currently attempting to add some discussion posts to my “Quirky page” for everyone to peruse and comment on, I love a good discussion.

“Things overheard” page is in the works, but reading everyone’s blog is not easy when one is on a porch with only a 2 hour battery..mmhhhkay? be patient!

That’s all for now..I have class tonight and I have finally completed my Annotated Bibliography for American Women. Now the real work begins..(eep) I also completed my assignment for Software Applications a few days ago and my professor, no slouch, already graded it! I got an A! WOOT!

Bekki

Ok, so maybe it is rather bad to look at young (much, much, too young) men as they walk by..but hey, I am in Wisconsin people!..there is no better entertainment then watching corn-fed men from the country…(easy girl!) I am indulging my pervert today it seems…::::falls over laughing::::

I am thinking a lot these days. Endless days of thought can be rough on ones heart, but I am managing as best I can. While there is much to love about being here, I know in my heart that I need more to be happy in my own skin. My job is coming at the right time. I am ready to begin this journey and the 7th is coming quickly. In just 7 days I will begin walking my path with my own feet leading the way. While I am scared, I am also greatly happy. I am learning who I am. Who I want this person to be and what she is needing to be joyful. It’s quite frightening to set out on a path with no idea where you are going, but it is also exciting, because I know I am going places that teach me continually about myself. I am going to learn what I am made of, what I enjoy doing, what I enjoy surrounding me. I plan to experiment with many different things. To learn what I believe, what I want, what I find uplifting and calming.

I am not afraid to admit I am completely stupid about certain things. I have no idea what I am doing half the time. I bumble about and make it up, for the most part, as I go. I am lucky enough to have people cross my path who are quite happy to give me advice and show me the way that they have found works for them, and I adopt their ways for a time, until I learn what changes and ways work for me, then I let go and try on my own for the first time. I have been doing this, over and over again. When I flew on a plane for the first time by myself I was scared. I didn’t know the proper way to do things. I had to “pay attention”, “look around” and let my own instincts “lead me”. It was amazing! I learned I can rely on myself to figure this crap out. I loved flying! I loved it because I learned that when you do something new you liberate yourself over and over again. It’s refreshing and lovely. I think I have learned to love the process of learning for this feeling.

Sometimes I hide from learning things I want to learn, like driving, it takes a lot of inner determination to step out on ledges and leap free-fall and trust. I feel that way each time I get behind the wheel. I sometimes try to put it off, cause it is frightening to me, maybe no one else understands but thats ok. When I do push myself to just “DO IT” I remember why I wanted to do it in the first place, when that feeling comes back and fills me, lets me know without words that this is what I needed to do. Am I becoming a learning junkie? I just may have to say Yes to that.

I love the silence of early morning. My walks bring me time to be alone and think, and I need this quite often. I make my resolves for the day during my walks. I plan my challenges and face my demons. My walks may appear serene on the outside, but inside I am a mess of deep thought, at least I am during the morning walks. (Evening walks are all about being dreamy and happy).

I am on the Fools Journey. Now, at first glance that sounds like I am putting myself down. (grin) The truth is that people assume a fool is someone who should not be doing something. To me a fool is someone who knows they are unaware of things, who knows they are innocent and naive, but chooses to continue the not knowing in  order to become one who knows. I am on a journey of self discovery, and while I am hopeful I know I am a bit of a fool. Only a fool goes where angels fear to tread. Only a fool, such as I, leaves a marriage that was “good enough” in order to complete themselves and become something more. So…I am a fool, no doubt about it. I am a fool who is taking a risk to become something bigger, better, more worthwhile. (I am also waxing philosophical like a loon..heh) I am looking for purpose and I am trying to not be so scared I cling to things, not such an easy choice, but one I am committed to seeing through to the end.

So, here I am on my fools journey. Many of the steps I have already accomplished. I have come quite a ways out on this limb and if you think I am always happy to be here you have just not been reading enough of my blog. I am on a seesaw half the time. Sometimes I am glad, and sometimes I am wondering who the heck I think I am being so bold as to change my whole life like this, (those blue funks days are soo not my favorite days).

The current level I have reached is that of wanting to be loved. I have to accept that love comes when I am no longer searching for it. That I have to love myself first, be open to what love brings. The Fools Journey means I am opening myself up to everything, even love. I have this urge to share my soul with someone, but I know somehow, that I am looking for something bigger that just that. I am looking to share my heart and work with others of like mind. I am looking to love and be loved, and to share what love I have with those who need it to heal and grow. I am awakening to my purpose in life and while I am scared to death I am also very, very, excited. I love children and this love is making me long to heal ones who have been scarred by time. I have found something sacred and I want to share it with everyone who has ever cried a tear. I am working for my goal to become a Play Therapist and I am every day growing more certain that this is what I was meant to do. I also have a drive to be creative. I haven’t the time to do so right now and it makes me antsy. if I didn’t have this blog I would go completely out of my mind! I like that I will be making money and starting my journey properly, but then I have been on this journey a while, I just wish my new job was something more creative and exciting. (grin) I have to take what I can get right?

So, here I am waiting for my life to tell me where it wants to go. I want to do so many things. I want to have my own place, with my own furnishings, picked out by me. I want to make friends who come over and bug me without calling first. Who walk up behind me and hug me cause they know I will be overjoyed to see them. I want to decorate, paint, and sew and make messes all about my place. I want to flirt and pinch butts. I want to smile and dance. I want, quite honestly, to live like I have not done and have always wanted. I want to get phone calls at 2am and happily talk in the dark. I want to be held and tickled by someone I trust completely. I want to travel and see places I have only read about. I want to learn, learn, learn, learn!!! I want to live!! Thats it..in a nutshell.

It’s a good day. I have so much to be thankful for, and though the scary is always looking at me waiting for me to trip and fall on my face, I am too busy looking up and forward to be afraid, though from time to time I do get worried…very, worried.

This is my journey. I am continuing it. Wish me luck. I need all I can get.

Bekki

There’ll be girls across the nation that will eat this up.
Babe I know that it’s your soul but could you bottle it up.
Get down to the heart of it.
No, it’s my heart.
You’re shit out of your luck.
Don’t make me tell you again my love, love, love, love.
Love, love, love, love.

I am aiming to be somebody this somebody trusts with her delicate soul.
I don’t claim to know much,
Except soon as you start to make room for the parts that aren’t you,
It gets harder to bloom in a garden of love, love, love, love.
Love, love, love, love.

Only thing I ever could need,
Only one good thing worth trying to be and it’s love, love, love, love.
I do it for love, love, love, love.

We can understand the sentiment you’re saying to us.
Oh, but sensible selves could you kindly shut up,
And get started at keeping your part of the bargain.
Aw please little darlin’,
You’re killing me sweetly with love, love, love, love.
Love, love, love, love.

Only thing I ever could need.
Only one good thing worth trying to be and it's love, love, love, love.
I do it for love, love, love, love.

Started as a flicker meant to be a flame.
Skin has gotten thicker but it burns the same.
Still a baby in a cradle got to take my first fall.
Baby’s getting next to nowhere with a back against the wall.
You meant to make me happy, make me sad.
Want to make it better better so bad.
But save your resolutions for your never new year.
There is only one solution I can see here.

Love ya all I ever could need.
Only one good thing worth trying to be and it’s love, love, love, love.
I do it for love, love, love, love.
(Oh, only gonna get get what you give away, so give love, love.
Only gonna get get what you give away.
Love.)

One day, I will walk into laughing arms and feel a giddy peace within my heart for being accepted and loved, just as I am. I have never known anyone who thinks what I think about is interesting enough to pry out of me. I keep my thoughts, for the most part, to myself. The only time you will know I feel something strongly, is when I have no choice but to respond. This is generally due to the emergence of someone or a situation that makes it clear that to not state my views will end with others involved ( or the person themselves) actually thinking I am in agreement with them or an action that is occurring. One day I will meet someone who wants to hear my thoughts, a man who gently notices what I do not say as much as what I do. Who pays attention to the subtle play of emotions on my face. Someone who cares what I think about all manner of subjects both profound and mundane. What color he should paint his walls, what I think of his choice of art, what my views are regarding Popsicles vs. Italian ice. A man who likes the way my mind jumps, like a leapfrog from topic to topic, and delights, within his own mind, in figuring out how I got from there to here. A man who stands up to me, fights with me, and allows himself to be vulnerable to attack, and trust that I will not use my words to wound him, even if I can. A man who accepts that he is not always going to be right, that there will be times I am closer to the truth then he himself is comfortable. A man who is fully willing to admit that I may have a small point in an argument, even if he fully intends to win the argument in the end. A man who accepts that compromise is sometimes a better way to win an argument and is not to proud to put that acceptance into practice. Someday, I will find a man who loves my chatter..even when I chatter too much.

One day, I will find the someone who sees me in a way that brings gladness to my soul and a tear to my eye. I have never felt cherished for simply being myself. I am sure that my wacky side is a bit trying at times. I like to make messes, to get knee deep into something and not come up for air until my stomach goes on strike if I do not eat soon. I like to one moment be actively making something new, and then suddenly change channels and discuss something quite serious-minded. I change mid-stream at times and leave people confused and sometimes slightly annoyed. I know this about myself, but in my secret heart long for a day when this does not scare or even intimidate someone. I long for someone who simply does not care that I am discussing tax returns while painting birdhouses, or argue about equality while baking cookies. Who doesn’t mind at all loping off into 20 directions in an antique store cause I keep spotting new interesting things to look at. Who can simply go with the flow and not mind a bit that I am asking them what their views are on death while making them try on pants in a changing room at the same time. I am not just a multi-tasker I am a multi thinker..and this can, and does, drive people crazy. In my secret heart of hearts I long for that one person who sees me acting this way and pauses to simply smile at me. Someone who waits me out until I stop to see why they are not following or talking back and then does something amazing, like kiss the heck out of me, cause they just plain love that I am this passionate and crazy. I want that person in my life. That person who though I will not ask, demand, or show, in any way that I need it, knows I want to be touched, caressed, lovingly gazed upon and cherished for being me, just me..all the way through.

One day, I will turn and find laughing eyes that make my face lighten and float. I have always been a happy soul, and all I really need in my heart of hearts is someone who lets me be that way. Lets me act silly and enjoys making faces with me. Loves to have fun and giggles. Someone who loves to be teased and tormented in a way that leaves him or her in no doubt that I absolutely love them. I have a light in my heart that believes that no matter how bad life gets that God and love will win the day. I believe that there is nothing that cannot be solved with enough love tossed at it, that there is no pain that we cannot bear if we hold hands and bear it together. That there is not loss we can suffer that God will not share with us and help us through so long as we honor each other while we suffer, rage, and weep. I believe in mankind’s progress and growth, no matter how hard mankind tries to prove that my faith is wrong. I believe in dreams and wishes, because, these are things that make life worth living. I want someone who knows that there is darkness, but also knows, as I know, that in darkness there is still hope and love, for darkness cannot kill these things, it can only hide them from sight.

One day I will turn and find gentleness that teaches me things I did not know how to learn. I am not always confident in myself. I look in a mirror and see a naked body that is sagging and not so skinny, and fear that no one who sees what I see will want me naked beneath them. I do not always believe I can do what I dream. I hide from these things and pretend I do not want them with all my soul. Someday, someone will hold me and tell me to stop being a wimp. Force me to do the things I desperately want to hide from, out of deep fear and anxiety. Someone who simply believes in me so much that his belief carries me through and helps me know that I am supported, that I am in his sight more than even I can conceive of being. That with his love I am more than just myself, that I am in the most unique way part of a “we” instead of just an “I”.

One day I will know that someone loves me just as I am, and he will find, to his complete surprise, that I love him just as he is as well. This day is one I long for, work for, wait for, and I am learning that inside me is a person who likes herself but is waiting shyly to see if anyone else likes this her as well. I do not need validation, or have an anxious need to feel complete, I am complete and I can validate myself. What I am looking for is that one person who is destined to be my partner in life’s journey. He will be that partner that creates more in me, makes me grow and become something I knew I had inside but need encouragement to reach out for. I do not want someone to complete me; I want someone to join me. To link with me all that is within them and to whom I can share all that is within me, until we are separate, yet together, in a combined unit that can stand alone and apart, but stands stronger together and joined because it is something we have chosen to undertake, simply out of love instead of need.

One day… I hope.

]]> http://nectarfizz.wordpress.com/2008/06/29/one-day/feed/ Nectarfizz--Quirky Chick http://nectarfizz.wordpress.com/2008/06/28/50-things-i-will-reluctantly-admit-i-diddo/ http://nectarfizz.wordpress.com/2008/06/28/50-things-i-will-reluctantly-admit-i-diddo/#comments Sat, 28 Jun 2008 20:06:25 +0000 nectarfizz http://nectarfizz.wordpress.com/?p=1440

1. Roller Skated off a barn roof into a retention pond and had to be saved (since I tied them.)
2. Went skinny-dipping
3. Had a snake slither over my arm and left my baby brother behind to fend for himself. (I went back!)
4. Walked into a telephone pole cause I was reading while walking.
5. Talk to myself constantly…and answer
6. Ate all my Halloween candy in one night when I was 12.
7. Read Porn…(ok, so sensual novels are not porn..technically)
8. Actually like to dress up.
9. Change my clothes 2-3 times a day.
10. Enjoy a shower temperature that would burn most peoples skin off.
11. Fuss over my hair.
12. Grow my nails really long, then bite them off the moment I get worried about something.
13. Enjoy buying jeans.
14. Hide the remote.
15. Read the book in the bookstore so I don’t have to buy it.
16. Stare at men’s butts when they walk by. (do it..just won’t admit it)
17. Treat my books badly by laying them upside down and not using a bookmark.
18. Coordinate my underwear with my clothes.
19. Enjoy being flirted with.
20. Ate an entire pizza by myself.
21. Bought someone a present and liked it so much I kept it for myself.
22. Peed my pants in 1st grade.
23. Save the wrapping paper.
24. Impulse buy.
25. Spend to much money on books.
26. Buy journals that I end up using for everything but journal-ling.
27. Forget birthdays and anniversaries constantly.
28. Fill out the credit card thing just for the free gift.
29. Take more than one sample.
30. Save containers compulsively.
31. Actually laugh when typing LOL
32. Roll my eyes behind my mothers back…(shh..don’t tell)
33. Order salad but really want steak.
34. Wear the boots just so I make the noise as I walk.
35. Name my breasts.
36. Dated a man just because we had the same birth-date. (How cheesy was that?)
37. Cheated at cards. (The devil made me do it)
38. Called in sick to work to go someplace cooler.
39. Lied about knowing how to do something so a man could show me how “it’s” done.
40. Faked an orgasm (I was rather good at it too)
41. Pretended to be asleep when someone was in the mood.
42. Dance in the dark.
43. Borrowed a dog just to meet someone.
44. Rode my bike past “his” house every day for a month.
45. Kissed my sisters boyfriend (blush)
46. Skipped dinner and went straight to dessert.
47. Pretend I don’t hear the phone so I don’t have to answer.
48. Eavesdrop in public bathrooms when women discuss topics while putting on makeup.
49. Read the newspaper only for the comics.
50. Step over the cracks so I don’t break my mothers back.

Rainy day today. I walked in the rain with an umbrella and it was actually quite nice. The rain wasn’t coming down all that hard, otherwise I would have taken exception to it. (smile) I stopped and mailed a book for Shay then indulged my sweet tooth at the local grocery place. The owner was such a sweetheart! He told me that the year he and his wife moved here it was the worst winter in years. He advised me to buy warm covers for winter..heh.

Adam is watching tv and the cartoon created a chuckle..the characters are trying to bore each other to sleep so they pulled out the History of Canada..hahahhahaha I would have been the only one left standing cause I freaking love History and the History of Canada would have amused me muchly. What can I say? I am a freak of nature it seems.

I took photos of the view from the walk-path and the rain actually made it all a bit greener..it was so much fun. I must get the Clydesdales and paint horses soon. I love seeing the babies when we drive by.

I better go help with dinner. I got a lot of work done today. 1/2 my assignments and some housework to boot..I rock!

(grin)

I started walking 2 walk paths in my area now. (There are many) I like the idea of walking a different one at night from the one during the day. I love the view on the newest one. I almost stopped with my mouth hanging open. ZEN would love this, being my first thought..I wish I could have a picnic, being the second. (smile)

I will take my camera and record them today and post them in my clickity clickity blog! check it out tomorrow..if it doesn’t rain I will post them tonight.

Bekki

You have 921 posts,<—-I really, really, do talk too much!

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contained within 52 categories <—–Random, random, random..

and 1,684 tags. <————–I tend to put whatever I am thinking as a tag

You have 2,122 total comments, 2,121 approved, <——–see! I don’t ALWAYS talk to myself..sometimes people actually talk back!!

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My brother Robert had BETTER call me and update me on all things girlfriend NOW..I am on a need to know basis and I NEED to know..so call me you lunkhead!!!!!