Watch my head explode!

I am that angry. I get that way rarely. It takes quite a bit in fact. My BIL has just about hit my button and I am praying that he leaves me alone tonight or I will have much I will not be able to take back. The last 2 days he has taken it upon himself to challenge me at every turn. I am not sure why he has taken it upon himself to do so, but I am worried that I will stand up for myself and get myself in trouble in regards to my living capacity. (sigh)

It started innocently enough him mentioning he saw a medical segment on tv that sounded like me. I was surprised and asked what he meant. He said I have an addiction to the computer (not that he thinks I might, or that is sounded like I was..but that I WAS). I was mildly amused and said that I was going to school on-line and that I use the net to blog as well, but that I don’t feel this is the basis of an opinion that I am addicted. He then continued to insist that I have an addiction. My amusement faded and I began to get irritated. I don’t mind opinions, I like to introspect and consider myself and my motives when people suggest things, this was a blanket assumption and I hate them, since every person is an individual. (I have many friends who have taught me this lesson in the last 6 months)

When I disagreed he moved from assumption to verbal abuse. Now, if you want to piss me off the only thing you need ever do is call me a name. A particular name that will always have me go from calm to completely angry in 3.2 seconds. It has to do with sexual slurs and I am sure you can figure out what those words might be. The one thing these slurs have in common is that they are all sexist in nature and used to wound. I am not one to sit still when this happens. I was use to just such comments growing up and they almost killed my sense of self. I do not allow them now. When I felt that old familiar anger I did something I am quite proud of, I let it go. In my 10 steps book I read that no one can make you defend what doesn’t need defending. I didn’t need to defend my rights, I know who I am. I realized that he has a problem with not being right. Anyone who doesn’t allow him to feel this way is challenged. I am concerned that this will become a problem and I am praying for guidance in this issue.

I did think about what he suggested, I am nothing if not fair, but I know I am not addicted to the computer. I once spend massive amounts of time on it playing Sims, Pogo, Toontown, blogging, photos, all sort of things. I spent so much time on the computer I almost lost sight of my relationship with my child. I also spent more time watching television than was healthy also. One day I woke up to this and took measures to change my lifestyle. I stopped watching television, I took all games off the computer and I took myself outside with my daughter. I taught her to swim, to ride a bike, how to live and be active in her life and learned to be so myself as a result. During this transition to become someone new I confronted myself and realized these things were happening because I was not facing my life and how unhappy I was, I think this is why my BIL comments upset me.

I use the internet and my computer now as a tool. A means to do the things I need to do to get somewhere else. It is no longer an escape from my life, it is something that is bringing me peace and a goal to reach out for. I watch only about 1 hour of television now. I spend 4 hours on the internet and maybe 2 hours on the computer by itself a day. This may seem like a lot, until you factor in that 3-4 of those hours are me working on homework, my poetry and my blog. All things I am using as a means to learn and keep my mind active. My blog is a way to stay in touch with friends and be social and I will not apologize for admitting I need active connections with others. My friends are vital in my life as they support and advise me on a daily basis, something that fulfills and aids me often in my struggles to become someone new. My writing is improving and my mind is growing and if thats an addiction, it is one I gladly take the label of. What makes me sad is that my sister and my BIL do not understand what my computer means in the area of independence. It is my portal to a better me. I am putting my thoughts out there in the world and the world is responding. I am learning about topics I am interested in, challenging, learning and growing each day. The computer is a learning tool and use it I will!

I also exercise, eat right, walk, bike and spend tons of time reading. I have yet to be accused of an addiction to reading and I spend extreme amounts of money and time doing so. What makes me pause is the fact that my BIL really does think I am addicted to the computer, he is not being mean for the most part, he just doesn’t understand me even a little bit and this for some reason bothers him to distraction.

I use my computer the way others use pen and paper. I write on it constantly whenever a thought comes to me. I have memorized the keys to the point I do not even have to look at my fingers on the keyboard, have in fact, impressed Shay immensely with my typing speed. I see people drinking every single day after work, watching television for hours on end, stopping at Burger King 3 times a week and they would be just as angry as I was if accused of being an addict of these things. These are things people do to relax. I do what I do to relax and to become. I guess what it comes down to is that I was angry that he sees me so incorrectly.

I guess I really was pacing like a tiger today…I need to spend some quiet time relaxing and letting things roll like water off my back. Pretending I am a duck just may save my ass in the long run.

This is Bekki saying “Holding my tongue just may kill me”