Have you ever noticed that when things are darkest we are more likely to think we are all alone, even when we are surrounded by friends and loved ones we tend to think we shoulder all our sorrow and sadness by ourselves? It’s something I know a little about, hiding my own need for support. People who are the rock for others, forget to let them return the favor. We don’t do it to be stubborn or martyrs, we do it because we have gotten so use to ignoring our own needs as we work to keep others together we forget to let others give us the same kind of loving treatment. We simply forget, or worry that they will become more scared by our not having answers as we usually do. We worry that having their rock crumble will scare them and not be worth the resulting loss or concern reflected in their eyes.

What if we are wrong? What if the people we love would not only be overjoyed to be able to give back to us all the love we have given in increments over the years, but welcome the chance and maybe even be slightly relieved to know that the person who never seems to need anyone is in fact human? What if by sharing your own struggles and doubts, you allow the people in your life to learn the tool of support? What if by being honest about your fear you forge a bond you never knew needed strengthened?

 We rocks like being needed, we love responsibility don’t we? We love to be able to give answers to people, to be the savior of those we love so completely. To provide for others is a bit of a boost in ego, but sometimes, (I know because I am one) it is not about helping, it’s about hiding. Looking all put together is a good way to hide that deep down we are in fact, quite a mess of fear and worry. The rock  we present is a way to deny our inner turmoil and stubborn will, isn’t it? We figure if we control everything with our will we will be able to change the outcomes, and sometimes we do, but lets be honest love, sometimes we can’t and that is what scares the hell out of us!

In the end we have choices to make, do we let the people we love know that we cannot always be the rock?  That sometimes even rocks need something to anchor to, a foundation that is strong and firm to rest on while we do what we love to do, namely take care of them?  Do we suffer on scared and alone even while the ones we love gaze at us for some sign of our needing them? It’s all well and good to be strong, but it’s not strength to deny ourselves what we need, namely comfort, that’s not strength then is it? When we deny ourselves comfort it’s about that fear of letting go I was talking about. Allowing ourselves to admit we are weak is sometimes the strongest thing we can do. It is hard to admit we need people to circle around us and give us that loving thing we need desperately, but if we are that brave, if we are that willing to give in to our fear, we will find something we never could have found otherwise, calm.

When you allow love to enfold you, you find that what you fear, though still present, loses it’s grip just enough for you to continue on. The problems do not go away, but you can see the light again and the joy that fills you will carry you, validate you, make you strong enough to face the waves that rush in! We need to be the rock for the ones we love, but sometimes, sometimes, sometimes we need to be human enough to admit we don’t feel like a rock so much as a pebble being pushed from all sides.

I know, I know, I am preaching again. I do that from time to time, I am not trying to lecture really, I just realize things as I go about my day and the lesson so illuminates my mind I have to share it. I hope this is something you come to rely on with me, cause I do not plan to stop chatting about the things I am thinking. Some small part of me hopes I am helping someone, another part is admitting my truths, even ones I am embarrassed to admit to them. The thing is I am finding that when I admit my truths there is inevitably someone somewhere with the same truth trying to come out and wake them. I am stubborn and like to stay in control, my life is full of waves right now..perhaps it’s time for this rock to let herself be enfolded in love. I need a few hugs so I am off to get me some mother’s day huggage, I am not too proud to beg for what I need suddenly, and I think I know just who to ask!

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