What I Find Intriguing…

I love mystery and magic. I enjoy the not knowing everything about a person. The fun comes when little by little you discover them. It’s even better when it is something touching and tender, but I would also settle for interesting and clever. I find silence intriguing. It reveals a lot about someone how they handle silence. If you watch two people in silence together, it tells you how long they have known each other. If they talk to fill up the silence, they are newly met and a bit nervous about how they are coming across. The ones I like are the ones that seem quite happy to be silent, not the silence of unhappy marriage, but the one of intimacy and comfort. I love that kind of silence a lot. I always long to capture it for myself. I tend to talk when I am nervous, though I am quite shy. I put my foot in my mouth very effectively on those occasions.

I find life intriguing. I love to experience other peoples loving moments, hold them close to me on cold nights when I am sad or lonely. I once saw a man and woman at an Air show. They were obviously married a long time. They sat on some nearby benches her below him on the next one down. at one point without looking they reached for each others hand and just sat there, connected. It was a moment of great love. I had to wipe away tears. That is what I find magical.

I have much to think about this year. Though I have great friendship with my ex, I feel the need to set him free and let him go on with his healing, mine to if it comes to that. As the creator of this upheaval I feel horribly responsible for drawing all this out. I couldn’t not be honest with him. It is not my way. Many would have just quietly gotten a new life and told him about it later. I just can’t see myself being that dishonest. The result of that conviction is that I must live daily with what I have created. I feel guilty and free at the same time. I need the beginning to begin.

As for love. Ah me. I am not sure I deserve love. I gave a vow and broke it. I failed. I am the type who never gives up until the bitter end on things. I am THAT stubborn. I never break my promises. If I make a promise it stays made. If I can’t live up to one, I don’t make it in the first place. My daughter uses this to great advantage. In the end I had to admit that to become something I had to let go of something. I realize that no one is to blame. In my heart however, I am sad. How can anyone love such a person as I? I am not easy. I challenge thoughts and intentions, mostly my own. I self-analyse all the time. I have a deep need to learn and grow. I need someone to grow with me. Like I said, there are not many men who can handle such a woman as I. I also want kids. Lots of little faces and giggles, tons of those.

Can I really have it all? A family, and a career I love? I want to be a writer, so maybe it’s possible. If I can stay on task and not be lazy (Gosh I love to be lazy). According to my new oracle cards I will not recognize the new person I am becoming once I reach my future. I hope she is a good person, cause I have little doubt my inner child will come out fighting if I mess up.